by Del Hungerford

What exactly is “divine subtraction” in a relationship? It’s basically a natural end to a relationship with those in our lives. It can also be a phasing out of a certain level of closeness in a relationship or a delberate act, especially if it's a toxic relationship. Even a toxic relationship can be divinely subtracted if done in a gentle and natural manner. What does this look like?

This may sound a bit strange but I’ve actually learned to be OK when relationships in my life change. I’m a type “A” personality. For years, I thrived on being around people. In fact, I wasn’t comfortable enough in my own skin to spend time alone. I had to always be doing something and had to be with others. After spending a month alone over a Christmas holiday (prompted by Yahweh), I started to see myself as He sees me. For me, this “alone time” was crucial in crashing unhealthy paradigms. It was all about understanding my true identity in Christ. That identity didn’t involve my dependence on other people. Up until this point, I saw my identity in what I did and what others thought about me. Although at the time, I would have argued with you otherwise.

In addition, God utilized this time to help me focus on intimacy with Him. I found that I was no longer seeking out people to fulfill a need for relationship. It’s interesting that out of building deeper intimacy with Yahweh, I formed relationships with new people. It was all organic and natural. I call this “divine addition” in relationships; the whole point being that I didn’t force anything. Since then, some people have come and gone. Not every new relationship is meant to be long-lasting. Some are for a season. And, you don’t always know that until it’s time to let go.

In conversations, I started listening and not talking about myself or my belief systems. For me, the extrovert, this is not always easy to do. Some people never get tired of hearing themselves talk. For every 90 words they say, others get in 10. In other words, the “motor mouths” do 90% of the talking. We all know these people. And, they rarely ask questions about those around them. I was one of them so I should know. If I don't watch it, I could easily fall back into this pattern. For those who knew me as a kid and most of my adult life, I just described myself. They say it takes one to know one. It was out of my own insecurities that I functioned like this. It’s taken time and learning my identity in Christ to change this behavior pattern in me.

It’s out of my paradigm shifts that I noticed relationships changed, too. When my focus began to be more on intimacy with Father, that’s when new people started showing up in my life that are on this same journey. I met them at conferences, in on-line classes/organizations, and strangely enough, through social media. Some of those relationships developed into longer lasting trustworthy friendships and others floated on by. I wasn’t concerned about making friends or having the need to connect. I decided to let things happen naturally and basically said, “Father, bring the relationships to me that You want in my life.”

I talk to a lot of people who say things like “I really wish there were more like-minded people in my area,” or “I’d love to have fellowship with people.” I get it but, hear me out. If our desire is on building relationships with people and doing things to please our flesh, then our focus is on people, not Yahweh. This may seem like an itty-bitty difference but think about it… when we put our intent towards building relationship with Yahweh, we begin resonating with who He is IN us. That then attracts the right kind of relationships. These are relationships that help bring us into even greater relationship and intimacy with God. If the people we consider our closest relationships aren’t helping us grow into that intimate place with Father, it’s time to reconsider the depth of those relationships.

I do see some of these people once in a while but, those relationships have changed in that we don’t talk about the same things any longer. We can still have contact but it’s a different level of relationship. I believe this can be with both family and friends. Not every family member is going to be your best buddy. It’s a matter of knowing what you can and can’t share in those relationships that determines the quality of the relationship. There are some family members I rarely talk to or even share my journey. For many of them, they would think I'd fallen of an Idaho potatoe truck and lost my mind. Religious people can't seem to get out of the four walls of the church and you don't believe like them, you're in deception and possibly even in a cult (horrors!). The Word says we'll know them by their love and fruit. (Matthew 7:16, John 13:35). We are to judge the fruit, not the person. Some people obviously didn't get that memo. 

My main focus is on intimacy with God as I'm seating in Christ in a position of rest on the throne of my life, in my spirit, which resides in my heart. Out of that intimacy, other close relationships are forming in my life. These are people who have the same focus and intent for a kingdom minded lifestyle. We resonate a similar frequency. To help you understand that, let’s take a scenario we learned in the domestic violence advocacy training where I used to be a volunteer. They say that you can put 100 people in a room. One is an abuser and another is a victim. By the end of the evening, the two would more than likely find each other. Why is that? There’s a resonant frequency, often called an “aura,” that each person resonates. Two closely matching frequencies eventually entrain with one another. It’s the way of nature so it would only make sense that people with like minded or “life experiences” would eventually find one another. In order for a victim to get out of a negative attraction pattern, he/she would need to make some major paradigm changes. This literally re-adjusts the resonant frequency of the aura he/she puts off. If you want to understand more on how that works, read my article on Healing Frequencies Music titled “Thoughts, Intents, Action!”

I’m not one to think that losing a relationship is a bad thing. In fact, I often think it can be good. We simply need to adjust the way we think about relationships that come and go in our lives. The relationship I have with my family has actually improved in the last few years. I know what I can and can’t share. I also know what negative triggers and buttons not to push. I’m perfectly fine with some family members only knowing the basics of my life. And, if they don’t want to know anything about me, that’s OK, too. I’m no longer offended if their focus has nothing to do with me or my life. Even though my family doesn’t make up those I’m closest to (I’m single with no children… just so you understand), I do have relationship with them on a different level than my closest friends. Both have a place in my life.

The whole purpose of this article is to help us understand that relationships have different levels and that relationships can come and go. None of it has to be negatively focused, especially when a friendship naturally fades away. In instances where offense has been taken, that may be different. In those cases, it’s simply a matter of dealing with the offense and by faith, move on. For me, when there’s been an accusation against me, I head to the mobile court (court of accusations) and deal with the offense there. I own, repent, and renounce ties to it, even if I did nothing. In the other person’s eyes, I did. So, that’s what I go on. It’s by taking care of issues in this manner that some relationships have actually been restored.

The other bit that’s important to understand is the different levels of relationships. Not everyone should be a close B.F.F. (best friend forever). I have a couple of those. These are the people I can share anything with. And, they are people I relate with on all levels of my life. We are on similar journeys, we share dreams and experiences, and we fully trust each other. At the next level down, these are the kingdom minded people I work with on a regular basis. I can share many things with them, and we help each other grow in our relationship with Yahweh. Most of my family is at another level where I can share some of my spiritual journey and with others, I can only share the normal day-to-day adventures that go on. “Hey, would you like to hear about the moose that slept in my yard last night?” The point is that it’s important to choose relationships wisely. When they naturally fall away or change, that should be perfectly fine. In fact, it might actually be ordained by Yahweh. The question of the day is… “Do we recognize it?”

Possibly ask Yahweh to show you how to knock it down a couple of levels. In those situations for me, I simply did nothing to further cultivate the relationship and eventually, it was divinely subtracted. Ask Father for relationships where there’s equal contribution. Those relationships build one another up. We can’t be the person who is the “negative Nancy,” otherwise, we bring those around us down. And, they will start avoiding us.

Our focus should be about building intimacy with Yahweh. As we do that and put our intent on living out of our identity in Christ, relationships around us begin to naturally change. It in turn filters out to the people we associate with. We begin resonating at a more positive frequency – the frequency of Father’s love. Those who don’t want a part of that will more than likely naturally drift away.

I can already hear the next question... "what if the relationship is harmful or toxic?" Well, since I was involved in a toxic marriage, I could probably address that one, too. I write a lot about abusive marriages on my Free From Verbal Abuse website, which I began around 2009. There's some pretty raw emotions on that site! On the other hand, may women in churches who are involved in an abusive relationship won't leave the relationship because they feel divorce is a sin or they're embarrassed that they couldn't make it work.

NEWSFLASH!!! Are you aware that God "divorced" Israel at one point? When someone breaks a covenant, it's a divorce. If your spouse has broken the marital covenant, he/she has in a sense nullified the marriage. If it's a toxic marriage, why do you stay in it? What benefit do you receive by staying with a toxic person? Feel free to read the articles I have on the Free From Verbal Abuse site to learn more about toxic relationships. This isn't only about marriages but those in work relationships and friendships as well. When it comes to toxic relationships in general, I tend to "divinely subtract" them by reaching out less and less. I won't answer phone calls all the time or respond to texts. If I do, they are short and simple. I never attack the other person. Eventually, the relationship begins to fizzle. If the other person continues to desire control in the relationship, that's another story. Ask God to show you His best way of releasing your interest in that relationship. If it's dangerous for you, it's probably time to work with the authorities. Contact the right resources as needed immediately. 

As you continue this journey, be aware that relationships are seasonal as well as long-term. Keep people around you who build you up, not tear your down. On the other hand, you do the same thing by sharing your victories and not always your sorrows with people. Yeah, I get it... life can be tough at times but some things need to go directly to God and not your friends. Friends can encourage you but those relationships shouldn't replace intimacy with the Trinity. Honestly, that was a hard lesson for me to learn. 

My declaration for you today: May you resonate with the frequency of Yahweh’s love. As you entrain with that frequency, may you know and understand your identity in Christ. Through that, all your relationships come into their proper order. 

Del